My Angel
by AxCfangirl
Summary: Lacus is Hilda's first love and her angel. Hilda is sure it will never change even if the feeling isn't mutual. One-sided HildaLacus KL


English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

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 **My Angel**

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The first time Hilda met Lacus, the moment she laid eyes on the pink-haired girl, she believed from the bottom of her heart that the girl standing in front of her was a celestial being from the divine universe temporarily visiting this universe, or a fairy from the magical fantasy world. The girl seemed too beautiful to belong to this world.

And Hilda was sure the girl had struck her heart with an arrow of love, like the boy angel whose name she had forgotten.

She kept staring at the younger girl, speechless. She couldn't remember to greet the girl and her parents properly until her own father called out her name in a disapproving voice.

The stern discipline her father, a soldier, had drilled into her kicked in, and she hastily voiced her greeting. Lacus returned the greeting with a smile which made Hilda's face burn. The pink-haired girl went on to say she wanted to be good friends with Hilda. Feeling as if in a dream, Hilda nodded and said she also wanted to.

Hilda started to visit Lacus's house once in a while, usually accompanying her father who was good friends with Lacus's parents.

Lacus became Hilda's idol even before the pinkette started her career as a singer. Hilda admired everything about Lacus. Not only was Lacus gorgeous, elegant, friendly, considerate, generous, and good at singing, but Lacus was also quite intelligent and knowledgeable even though she was younger than Hilda.

The more time she spent with Lacus, the surer she felt that her first impression was right. Lacus was too perfect to be just a mere human being; even Coordinators couldn't be that flawless. An angel was the right word to describe Lacus, for she had a holy air about her, but was rather too innocent and too delicate to be called a goddess, Hilda mused.

But then again, maybe Lacus could be a goddess, and Hilda could be her knight fiercely and faithfully protecting the untouchable goddess, protecting Lacus from any darkness or hardship in this universe so that Lacus could remain perfectly pure forever.

She often dreamed of the wonderful future, which helped her endure the hard training her father gave to prepare her for the military life, engage in it with enthusiasm. It wasn't that she had been lazy before, but now she was quite motivated to become stronger, become a tough warrior worthy of her goddess. Her eagerness resulted in the improvement in many areas that satisfied both her father and herself.

When she visited Lacus, she told Lacus about her achievements. Lacus praised her and said she admired Hilda's strength, which made Hilda walk on air.

In the state of euphoria, she gazed at the girl of her dreams. Surrounded by rose bushes in full bloom, Lacus looked like something out of a fairy tale more than ever.

Unable to hold back her feelings anymore, Hilda blurted out, "I—I like you, Lacus-sama. A lot. I'm in love with you." Her face heated up at the confession.

Blinking, Lacus tilted her head. Her long, silky pink tresses swayed elegantly, and momentarily distracted Hilda.

Lacus smiled. "Thank you, Hilda-san. I am very glad you like me so much."

Hilda's heartbeat quickened even more in anticipation.

But then, Lacus's face turned somber, her eyes sad. "However, I am afraid I cannot return the feelings."

"Oh..." was all Hilda managed to say, with her dream and her heart shattered into pieces.

She felt as if she had fallen from high in the sky and crashed against the ground with an unbearable pain. She wanted to collapse on the floor and never get up. Well, probably not here, but in her house and her bed.

She would probably have left there to do so if Lacus had not continued, "But, Hilda-san." Lacus touched her hand and leaned toward her. Their faces were closer than they had ever got, making her breathing nearly stop forever. The aqua-blue eyes pleadingly looked into hers. "I would very much like us to stay friends."

To be honest, she didn't think she could ever see Lacus as just a friend, or she ever wanted to. She would probably always be in love with Lacus, even if her love was unrequited.

However, she couldn't bear saying no to Lacus and hurting her. If Lacus wanted to be friends with her, then she would pretend. She could cry and become devastated when back home, but now, she had to be strong. For Lacus. For her angel.

 _I'_ _ll do anything for you, Lacus-sama_ _._

So she nodded, almost automatically. Lacus gave her an ever so sweet smile, happily holding Hilda's hands with hers, and Hilda felt happiness and pain at the same time. Love was such a bittersweet feeling.

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As she browsed through the data on the screen of her computer, Hilda gave a small snort, her finger tapping one of her legs which were crossed on her sofa.

The records of training programs weren't hers, but of Kira Yamato, the young man from Orb whom Lacus had chosen. Although Hilda admitted his ability as a mobile suit pilot was excellent, and even somewhat admired him for it, he wasn't nearly as good at physical combat whether with a gun or a knife.

It wasn't surprising since he had never received military training, which Hilda strongly disapproved of. No one without formal training should be counted as an official member of the military. Soldier was a dangerous and important job, and therefore, everyone who worked as one had to be properly trained for their own sake and for everyone else's. It had been her father's belief, and she completely agreed with it especially now that she had experienced what a real battle was like.

So she had taken it on herself to train Kira after he had come to PLANT and joined ZAFT, though her attempt wasn't always successful for he seemed quite good at escaping, and his records had not improved enough to satisfy her. But she had kept trying. Perseverance was one of the virtues her father had cultivated in her.

Part of the reason why she was so dedicated to this task was because it was also for Lacus. Since the Chairwoman and the White Coat were openly a couple, and it was more than obvious that he had gotten the position largely because of the relationship, Kira's failure to meet the expectations could harm Lacus's reputation. She could be blamed for being blinded by emotion and giving a high position to her lover who didn't deserve it.

Nevertheless, neither of the couple seemed to care enough about it. They usually had their own way, not hesitant to show their affection for each other in public, which could be considered as inappropriate behavior. As much as Hilda admired Lacus's boldness, she was worried and watching out for them. Or more like for Lacus.

After all, the pilot of the Freedom, and the Strike Freedom, was rather infamous among ZAFT soldiers, though it wasn't the major problem. Most of the soldiers were more or less willing to overlook the fact that Kira had once been their nightmare for the sake of their idol. Not to mention there were many of Lacus's comrades and supporters in ZAFT besides herself, like Commander Joule and his team, who worked hard to keep soldiers on Lacus's side and thus Kira's.

However, as popular as Lacus was among PLANT citizens, some people were critical of her and reluctant to welcome her return to PLANT with open arms mostly due to their disappointment over her disappearance after the First Bloody Valentine War. Or due to her lack of experience in politics. Some other people didn't like the idea of the children of important people getting a high position in the first place, insisting PLANT politics shouldn't become an outdated hereditary system as in some "Naturals' countries," though they weren't that many.

Such ungrateful attitudes in Hilda's opinion. They should be simply thankful that Lacus had kindly accepted the Supreme Council's offer and returned to PLANT.

There were also Lacus's enemies, like the loyal supporters of Patrick Zala or Gilbert Dullindal, who were waiting for an opportunity to throw mud at her and remove her from PLANT politics if possible, or perhaps even from this universe.

Of course, Hilda wouldn't allow anyone to accomplish such a thing. She would protect Lacus from the harm those people could inflict on her. Well, she couldn't really protect Lacus in the political field. But this matter of Kira's abilities was about her area of expertise, and she was determined to do everything in her power to turn Kira into an impeccable soldier, or at least what was as close to it as he could get.

Besides, she believed he needed to be a lot tougher even if he had not been a soldier, for he was supposed to take care of and protect Lacus at her side as her partner. He should be a person who deserved the pink-haired songstress.

"You're thinking about Lacus-sama again."

Hilda looked up at the voice of her girlfriend. "Actually, I was thinking about Yamato."

Standing at the entrance of their living room with her arms folded before her body, her girlfriend returned with a scowl, "It's the same thing."

Her girlfriend turned around vigorously, and her long black hair swayed widely. As Hilda got on her feet to go to her girlfriend, a part of her mind wondered for the umpteenth time if the fact she had a thing for long haired women had something to do with Lacus. Did she like them because she reflected Lacus on them to some extent? Or had she fell for Lacus partly because of her long hair in the first place?

Not that it mattered. Either way, Hilda was sure she would still love her girlfriend as much if her girlfriend cut her hair short, though she was also sure it would disappoint her a lot. Well, she didn't think she really had to worry about that possibility anyway.

"Hey, don't get so jealous."

She grabbed her girlfriend and circled her arms around her waist. Her girlfriend resisted a little but didn't put a serious effort into getting out of the embrace. Her girlfriend liked being reassured like this.

Her girlfriend was the jealous type, which Hilda didn't mind. In fact, she found it adorable. And her girlfriend was great, supporting and understanding. Hilda knew her girlfriend wasn't really happy about her being a soldier which often required her to put her life in danger. But her girlfriend still gave her as much support as she could. Hilda was grateful for it and felt pretty fortunate to have such a wonderful girlfriend.

"You know I already got over my feelings for her. It's you I'm in love with now, baby," Hilda said in an affectionate voice she strictly reserved for the time she was alone with her girlfriend.

She buried her face in her girlfriend's curly hair. The hair her girlfriend was proud of and took great care of smelled like jasmine as usual: sweet and soothing. She loved the smell and the hair, and her girlfriend loved it just as much. Her girlfriend probably wouldn't cut her hair even if Hilda asked her to. Not that Hilda had any intention of doing it, of course.

"I just respect and admire her as my leader. As our leader." _A_ _nd, well, she_ _'_ _s always my angel_ , Hilda inwardly added. Her girlfriend didn't need to hear that, though.

After all, what she had just said was nothing but true. She wasn't in love with Lacus or didn't want to be in a relationship with Lacus anymore. She was now aware that what she had had for Lacus was more like infatuation and idealization, quite different from the feelings she had for her girlfriend.

She was still resolved to do all she could do for Lacus, and adored her. However, she couldn't imagine herself crying on Lacus's shoulder or demanding Lacus's attention or care like a child, which she sometimes did with her girlfriend. She wanted to be always strong and reliable in front of Lacus. She wanted Lacus to see her as a perfect knight who could always protect and take care of Lacus.

Well, she also wanted to appear that way in front of her girlfriend to some extent. At the same time, however, she wanted her girlfriend to know it wasn't all she was. She wanted her girlfriend to know her weaknesses and flaws and accept them, and still love her, which her girlfriend did. Her girlfriend was truly best for her. She wouldn't choose to be with anyone else, even Lacus.

Lacus was her angel, but not her lover or life partner. Lacus wasn't even her friend.

She had come to realize that what she had thought after her confession to Lacus was quite true: she could never be Lacus's friend or even want to. But in a different sense from she had thought at that time. It had been possible for her to fall out of love with Lacus.

However, she was still not Lacus's friend. She had spent enough time around the pinkette to sense the Lacus she knew was only the mask, only a small part of who she actually was. Hilda wasn't close enough to Lacus to see the rest of her, what was under the surface. A part of her was sad that Lacus didn't trust her enough to reveal who she really was, but if she was honest with herself, Hilda didn't really want to see it. She would rather not.

She wanted Lacus to remain as her angel, as an untouchable, perfect goddess. She was content with working for Lacus without being real friends, and didn't want more. She was different from Kira or Lacus's friends. What she wanted from Lacus was different from what they did as much as it was from what she wanted from her girlfriend or her friends.

"Don't you believe me?" She tightened her arms around her girlfriend.

With a sigh, her girlfriend leaned back against her. "I do. But you always talk about her." She hesitated a bit before adding, "And we haven't had much time together recently."

Hilda thought for a moment. "Huh, that's right." It seemed she had spent too much time trying to train Kira.

"Then, we should make up for lost time." She teasingly kissed the smooth, brown skin of her girlfriend's neck. Her girlfriend gave a little giggle and angled her face so that Hilda could kiss her lips, and Hilda gladly complied.

Lacus would always be her first love, the bittersweet, precious memory, and her angel, someone she admired and wanted to protect and serve but didn't want to have an equal and open relationship with. That was all they were, and probably would always be. Hilda would probably always be an admirer and supporter of Lacus. Nothing more.

It was different from what she had wanted when younger, but it was what she wanted now, and she was happy with what she had. She was happy where she was: fighting for Lacus as a loyal soldier and trustworthy comrade while sharing her life with a wonderful woman she loved more than anyone. Life was so sweet.

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 **The End**

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 **A/N** : I'm afraid many of you don't know who Hilda is. She is one of the three Dom pilots who fought along with Lacus in GSD. The woman with orange hair and an eyepatch.

I actually wanted to include a same-sex relationship in "Grass on My Side" because that fic is about different kinds of relationship and I wanted a bit more diversity. But I couldn't, and was dissatisfied with it on that point. One day, I was thinking about it again, and I remembered something: the director said Hilda was a lesbian and had feelings for Lacus. He also mentioned a few things about Hilda's background. And the idea of this fic came to me.

The way how Hilda sees Lacus is actually mostly how I think many of Lacus's admirers see her. From what I saw in the series, Hilda seems like a big admirer of Lacus. Though Hilda, at least in this fic, is a lot closer to Lacus than most of other admirers are.

Thank you for reading. If you've written a review of my other fics, I thank you for that, too.

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 ***edited 08/22/18***


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